Monday, April 13, 2009

Changes

A confession to make - I have never felt weary or leery about getting older. It just never bothered me - until the past few months. It wasn't so much that I am getting older or that the big 30 is approaching so suddenly, but more of the fact that I felt old. Granted the tired, exhausted feeling probably has more to do with being pregnant, and throwing up, and not exercising while caring for a two-year old. A few months of that will wear anyone down. But I started to feel old, worst of all I didn't feel like me in even more ways. My lovely long hair, while beautiful - just wasn't me. It took too much time to wash and brush out, and it just wasn't the me I knew deep down. So I chopped it. I ended up having about 9 inches taken off and it cut into an A-line style, something I have never tried. It feels so much more like me. I love it. I do have to relearn how to use a curling iron, but it is like riding a bike and coming quickly. Here are some pictures - enjoy! (Sorry they are kind of blury, I had to take them on timer since Jake was still in California at the time. I'll get more later.)

Before:
After:

A new hair cut and feeling mostly better has made me feel more like me, and has also helped with my confidence. I believe it is hard to have confidence in yourself, if you don't feel like yourself. And, wow, pregnancy can do that. Yesterday was the deadline for an application to a Master's program at USU. This program would be super for me because all of my internship credits count and I could have a degree in 3 classes - yes, only 15 credits, and a thesis. It is not quite what I want a Master's degree in, but it is an opportunity that is hard to beat. It not being the degree I really want weighed in on my decision not to apply, but in complete truth the biggest factor was my confidence. I was scared to write the application letter. I feel I have lost so much of my mental/scholarly know-how in the last few years, I had no idea how to even start an application letter, write papers for classes, let alone write and defend a thesis. I felt there was no way possible. (+ p.s. I am having a baby in Sept - not really conducive for going to grad school).

So I didn't apply. I think I disappointed a lot of people in my decision. Deep down I really want to do it, but I need to work on who I am for another year (and beef up my communication skills so at least I don't feel like I talk on the level of a 2 year old all the time). I have one more chance next year before I can't use my internship credits. This is my goal. Next year at this time, I hope to have submitted my my application to grad school.

Life is full of changes, and I usually accept them well. I just don't like coming to a point in the journey to realize, or at least feel like, I have regressed in my growth. At least I have a new "map" and goal in mind with some directions to get me to my destination.

8 comments:

Megan said...

I like your hair much better short! Not that I didn't like it before but you know... It is really cute. Congrats to you for even thinking of grad school! I hope to one day get a degree/certificate/etc of any kind and not just a bunch of random classes.

Mer said...

I love your hair!!!! Who cut it? You're right -- it looks much more youthful and *you,* and it makes your eyes pop.

And I think it took a lot of self-confidence NOT to apply for grad school. Too many people rush into something and make a mediocre effort because they're scared that if they don't do it now, they never will. To set a goal and say "I'm going to work on these things and do it next year" means you know yourself and what you want. And that's WAY more than most people have.

Liz Cellan said...

Way to go!!!! Your hair is darling.

Amanda J said...

I agree with Mer. It does take a lot to not apply for grad school. Especially if you feel like you're going to disappoint people by not doing it. You have to do what is right for you! I really do love how your hair turned out!

Maris said...

Hey Aims, good for you. It sucks being pregnant and it's tough with no sleep. For me, feeling like myself starts about three weeks after I start getting sufficient sleep. Although I'm getting ready to chop my hair again too. Love ya

Bridgette said...

Your hair is cute. It is nice to have a change isn't it? I find I do my hair when it is short, where when it is long, I don't have the ambition to do anything with it.

I can empathize with the insecurities that come with being a stay-at-home mom. I am going to be going back to work next week since Ben lost his job. I'm terrified! It has been four years since I had a job. I'm sure that when the time is right, you will do great as a grad student.

Cheri said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cheri said...

I thought you were probably tired of school since you have been helping me. Thank you for all your help--I got an 'A". So you got the "A" too. Way to go! Dad and I love you and are proud of you no matter what you decide about school. But the confidence thing gets harder the older you get--or at least the longer you are away from school. Do what your heart tell you! --Mom

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