A new hair cut and feeling mostly better has made me feel more like me, and has also helped with my confidence. I believe it is hard to have confidence in yourself, if you don't feel like yourself. And, wow, pregnancy can do that. Yesterday was the deadline for an application to a Master's program at USU. This program would be super for me because all of my internship credits count and I could have a degree in 3 classes - yes, only 15 credits, and a thesis. It is not quite what I want a Master's degree in, but it is an opportunity that is hard to beat. It not being the degree I really want weighed in on my decision not to apply, but in complete truth the biggest factor was my confidence. I was scared to write the application letter. I feel I have lost so much of my mental/scholarly know-how in the last few years, I had no idea how to even start an application letter, write papers for classes, let alone write and defend a thesis. I felt there was no way possible. (+ p.s. I am having a baby in Sept - not really conducive for going to grad school).
So I didn't apply. I think I disappointed a lot of people in my decision. Deep down I really want to do it, but I need to work on who I am for another year (and beef up my communication skills so at least I don't feel like I talk on the level of a 2 year old all the time). I have one more chance next year before I can't use my internship credits. This is my goal. Next year at this time, I hope to have submitted my my application to grad school.
Life is full of changes, and I usually accept them well. I just don't like coming to a point in the journey to realize, or at least feel like, I have regressed in my growth. At least I have a new "map" and goal in mind with some directions to get me to my destination.